anger....
it's 4:59pm thursday afternoon. while i'm waiting for the clock to struck 5 'o clock, i tried to reflect on the events that happened to me this week. much as i would like to lessen the mistakes that my brother would make, i can't do that for him. sooner or later he has to stand on his own two feet. today is the culmination of that. tuesday & thursday of this week came the late night (even overnight) stay of my brother at an internet cafe. he never texted me or even answered my call where he is, what he is doing. almost all scenarios from funny to morbid run through my mind on what could have happened to him.
i don't know what came over me today to call USC to ask about his grades. perhaps its intuition or perhaps just anxiety, imagine my disbelief to be informed that almost all of his subjects were dropped. 2 of them were failure. it numbed me to the bone on the implications of what he has done. what about his scholarship? what about my parents? what do i feel, anger, deep seated anger!!! i could almost envision him as i beat him to a bloody pulp. but that is just in my mind. in reality, as i arrived at home around 11am, i was so disappointed and angry that i could not say one word to him. as time ticked, i started to say what's wrong? what happened? what have you done!!! it started from a mere conversation to a shouting match, where i was the one shouting. i even started hitting him as he told me why he's not going to school, he's not interested!!! is that an answer. if yes, why now? why not before. why haven't he told me that he felt that way. what am i, a mind reader!!!
right now, i'm more calm. that was 4hours ago. i don't know what will happen to him. hopefully as my mother arrived tomorrow and went to his school to have a talk with the dean, they'll give him another chance. a way to make up for all his discrepancies. hope to God that he's listening to my prayer...please God make it be more bearable.
i don't know what came over me today to call USC to ask about his grades. perhaps its intuition or perhaps just anxiety, imagine my disbelief to be informed that almost all of his subjects were dropped. 2 of them were failure. it numbed me to the bone on the implications of what he has done. what about his scholarship? what about my parents? what do i feel, anger, deep seated anger!!! i could almost envision him as i beat him to a bloody pulp. but that is just in my mind. in reality, as i arrived at home around 11am, i was so disappointed and angry that i could not say one word to him. as time ticked, i started to say what's wrong? what happened? what have you done!!! it started from a mere conversation to a shouting match, where i was the one shouting. i even started hitting him as he told me why he's not going to school, he's not interested!!! is that an answer. if yes, why now? why not before. why haven't he told me that he felt that way. what am i, a mind reader!!!
right now, i'm more calm. that was 4hours ago. i don't know what will happen to him. hopefully as my mother arrived tomorrow and went to his school to have a talk with the dean, they'll give him another chance. a way to make up for all his discrepancies. hope to God that he's listening to my prayer...please God make it be more bearable.
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